And so the first day of July has passed. The opening day of my beloved month has gone without a glimpse of you. Your preoccupations once again separated you from me. You once again failed to heed to my humble request. Your choices led you away from me, yet again.
Wanting to fast track the ending of July 1st, I slept earlier than usual. At around 11 pm, I dozed off into a deep slumber...not minding what has happened today...attempting not to care where you are and how you're doing. I tried with all my might not to shed a tear even though my emotions were dying to overflow from the brim. I closed my eyes trying to shut all thoughts that have lurked in my always active mind. Success! I was able to sleep rather quickly after sending you the usual good night I never fail to give.
For some reason, the next thing I remember was waking up at half past two in the morning. My reflexes had me reach my phone to check if you already replied. Subconsciously, I was expecting that you did not. I was right, you hadn't texted me yet. Resigned to the fact that you will not text me at that moment, I tried to catch my sleep back but in a rather odd circumstance, my phone vibrated and lit up. 1 Message Received. I had the inkling that it was you and I immediately pressed the read button to be sure. It was indeed you. Finally, after several hours of silence from you, you decided to extend a text message to me. You said you were already going to sleep calling me by our usual term of endearment with the usual kiss you attach to your messages of good night. For a moment, I was frozen, savoring the words that I did not expect to come from you at that instance.
Time stood still as the memories of the previous day all caming rushing back at me. The early morning four-hour waiting-in-the-line-at-Araneta-all-alone-and-hungry stint I endured just to secure Sunday's Ateneo-La Salle game ticket. Your invitation to meet up after I bought the tickets that I rejected because I was already in the platform of the train station ready to board the MRT that would take me to my office. My explanation to not meeting you at that moment because I was already in the platform and I had to go to the office first. Me telling you that we would meet in the afternoon after your work and when I am about to go home. You not replying to those text messages. My inquiry on where we were supposed to meet and at what time. The rather long time before you replied with a no. You not answering my attempted phone calls. You saying you had to go to an "inuman" and hance you will not be able to meet up with me. You saying, you were already in "lo-batt" mode hence you could not answer the phone.
As these thoughts replayed simultaneously at that moment, I could not contain myself anymore. At around 3 am, I bursted into tears. I found myself so alone without you when you have always been there. I realized how you're so far away and yet so close because you're just there. I reflected on how you still have that barrier to me to not tell me the things that have been happening in your life. It dawned on me how helpless I was, so fragile I am and how sensitive I am of what's going on.
For several minutes, I did not hold back the tears. Clutching my pillows in fetal position, I let all my emotions out. It was then that I also realized, I have not cried this much. It has been a long time since I broke down like this. I remembered how you use to tell me not to cry because there is no reason to. I remembered when you tell me there is nothing to worry about and I just have to trust you. I remembered your words when you told me that you're good and you won't do anything stupid.
And then, I remembered myself, my strong intuition and my cerebral sensitivity that contains my logic and knowledge of facts. At that instance, I found the answers that I have long found but never accepted as valid.
The intensity of that moment was too much for me to bear. I felt the entire universe crashing down on me. My emotions enveloped me like a blanket that immediately morphed into a straight jacket. The very feelings I released were the very emotions that got hold of me.
Now, I still remember how when I was crying myself out, I could only mutter the words, "I need a miracle." Perhaps I do need one. I need and I hope that a miracle would occur.
As all usual catharsis , the unusual feeling of serenity set in after the break down. With this, I got back to sleep. Quite surprisingly, I fell asleep rather instantaneously purging myself of all the thoughts and emotions that I was harboring. I slept with the hope that when I open my eyes, I would not feel the pain anymore.
For how many times have I been broken like this, for how many times have I found myself so helpless yet still hoping, for how many times have I been afraid, bothered and confuse and yet still loving you so deeply...A lot of times already...Quite a number of times...
I trust you. No ifs, buts and maybes. I do trust you. I just hope that you'd also trust me with what's going on in your life. Because if you trust me, you don't have to be afraid of telling me anything. And you won't have to be afraid of anything at all because you know I am here and that I am with you. Honesty, loyalty, trust and attempts for consistency are all that I am hoping for from you. I am not even asking for them, I am just hoping you'd give and show them.
You are my life, my love, my everything. Ever since you confirmed our relationship, I have strived so hard to take care of you and to take care of us. Help me nurture our love. Let us take care of this most special thing that we share. As far as I believe, it is only us...and we should not let other people get in the way.
Wait, did I say that I love you? You know how much I love you...I need not say it over and over again...It's time for you to say what you have to if you need to...
For now, I understand. It's true. I understand.
